It’s the dawn of a New Year! And maybe after the hangover of a New Years Eve well spent wears off, you’re planning to do the requisite “New Year Resolutions” dance.
(Narrated by Richard Attenborough): The New Years Resolution dance of hope has been practiced since the dawn of time and lasts approximately 2.27 months.
Let me guess some of what’s on your food/body related list:
I’m going to lose 10, 30 (or 50 or 100) pounds.
I’m going to cut out sugar.
I’m going to quit bingeing.
I’m going to go to the gym every day.
Ok. Stop.
In the famous words misattributed to Albert Einstein: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.
This is not one of those posts that is going to tell you how to craft a proper goal. (SMART goals anyone?) When it comes to weight and your body, SMART often = disordered eating, shame, and decreased self-esteem. You can create the “SMART”est weight loss plan in the world, but at some point, especially if you do battle with food and body, it will likely break down and cause undue stress on your body and mind.
Think about people in your life who have dieted to “success” at some point. How many do you know who kept most of it off long term? 1 in 10? That would actually be better than the general odds that 95% of dieters “fail” long term to keep weight off. Give it enough time and it comes back, and then some.
I always feel some sadness in my heart when I see someone post their “after photos” and get heaps of praise, only to be seen in social media photos a year or two years or three years later heavier than before. The weight of the shame that they often feel is double the actual weight returned. It’s a heavy burden. Maybe you’re familiar with it.
So I’m sure at this point you’re thinking “but this year will be different”. I know. I hear you and understand how you might think that, but I’m here to offer alternative options. If you are someone who has fought against food your whole life, it’s natural to think that the right diet, lifestyle change or food restriction will bring you the peace you’ve been seeking. But here’s the thing, if the body you want requires restriction, there is no possible way that it will be sustainable and we will be having this same conversation next year. Maybe it’s time to look for another way.
Resolve this: I will learn to recognize my body’s signals for hunger and fullness. I will learn to eat.
Not that: I will follow a Keto or the South Beach Diet or eat 1400 calories a day or <insert restriction disguised as healthy lifestyle change here>
Imagine if you literally only ate when you were hungry and stopped when you were full. If you slowed down, and took a moment to check in, to see if you were satisfied or if the wanting was emotional or physical. Imagine if you chose to eat based on a connection with your body, rather than some diet that told you the timing of when to eat. We are all familiar with the 0-60 phenomenon of being so hungry that we scarf down food and before we know it we are uncomfortably full...or of feeling like we were “good” all day, so maybe just one cookie (and suddenly you are waist deep in a binge).
Resolve this: I will find and share my voice.
Not that: I will cut out sugar.
What is holding you back from having the happiness you really want in life? I can tell you it’s not sugar. What we are often getting in fast/processed/sweet foods is a dopamine hit that we are craving in the absence of other ways to generate a sense of happiness and fulfillment. It’s a quick fix, which if it’s not with food, for many people comes in the form of shopping or drinking or obsessing over social media. So what is there when you don’t get that hit? Is it sadness or loneliness or a relationship that feels less than fulfilling? Boredom? Unprocessed trauma? What are you unable to tolerate that is begging to finally be understood and talked about instead of numbed? Seeking some support from a therapist can help with this.
Cutting out entire food groups entirely is a great setup for binges and other eating disordered behavior, panic, and shame. I do believe that food has a powerful impact on mood and there are ways of eating that will serve you, but if you do not address the underlying issues, any perceived restriction will knock down the house of cards.
Resolve this: I will practice self-compassion.
Not that: I will work out every day.
There was a great article recently written in the New York Times about the benefits of self-compassion over simply trying acting confident. When we can learn to nurture those childlike parts of us that are demanding attention, to be kind, to acknowledge and allow the fear without letting it stop us, that’s self compassion. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research puts it this way in the article, “when you’re in the trenches, do you want an enemy or an ally?”
The same goes for our bodies. Are you an enemy or an ally of your body? Do you beat it up daily or are you tuned into what makes it happy and healthy? I had a friend who motivated himself to go to the gym for months by looking in the mirror and calling himself a ‘fat piece of shit’. Painful to even write about someone talking to themselves that way, right? And he got to the gym for awhile, but guess what...it didn’t last and his body satisfaction is worse than before.
I am not suggesting you have to even love everything about it right away, but finding some tenderness for this vehicle that has gotten you through life to this point may generate loving acts rather than abuse. And you may find that self-compassion and generosity with yourself DOES mean moving your body in ways that feel generative and good. Maybe it means dancing instead of lifting weights. Or lifting weights instead of running. Or taking a walk outside feeling the cool air on your face instead of anything else you’ve been told you “should” do.
Resolve this: I will discover what makes me happy NOW (yes, even in this body).
Not that: I will lose X pounds.
I’m not going to knock the benefits of goal setting in happiness. Positive psychology tells us that setting meaningful goals in life gives us a sense of purpose and contributes to our overall happiness. Good habits breed a sense of self-efficacy and develop personal integrity and trust in ourselves. Achieving what you’ve set out to do will generally boost self-esteem and reinforce a positive self image. But it’s often the journey that is generating those feelings, NOT the outcome. Some goals, once clutched in our hands, are amoebic and ooze out of our grasp or are easily dismissed as not quite enough.
And weight loss may be the most amoebic goal of them all. It holds such promise of ultimate happiness doesn’t it? I have seen 10 ads this morning already informing me that my worth is dependent on being leaner and slimmer and of course “healthy”. It’s enough to think that happiness does come in a pill or lower body fat.
But I urge you to think about what happiness you think will be there “when I’m thin.” If it’s confidence, how can you generate that NOW? If it’s connection, what can you do to create more meaningful relationships today? If it’s well-being, what if you started building up your gratitude muscle (shown over and over again to create a sense of happiness) starting immediately? Learning mindfulness and practicing equanimity in the face of hardship is undervalued but can be massively helpful in cultivating broader happiness. Happiness doesn’t mean you will be happy all the time.
A 2018 of Kindness, Gratitude, and Growth?
I understand the pressure to be “healthy”, to conform to a culture that considers FAT to be a dirty word. Our culture has dictated that health comes with a six-pack and thin thighs. But I invite you to look at your own health from multiple angles, and those angles might even include a soft belly, stretch marks, and crows feet and a weight set point well over what you imagined or were told it should be. BMI is bullshit and you cannot tell from looking at someone whether they are “healthy” or not.
But YOU can assess how you feel, internally and externally. Every day this year will bring an opportunity to nurture, nourish, and better understand the possibility of you, to extend your goodwill to yourself and to others, to give and to receive by giving.
If you want to start to shift the conversations you have around food and body, I recommend the books Health at Every Size and Intuitive Eating as a start. And of course, please reach out with any questions or share this article if you know someone who might benefit from reading it.
I wish you a fantastic 2018 filled with balance, love, and peace around your food and body!