The other night, I was doing some work in the lobby of a hotel, listening to some live jazz music, when my little couch corner was overtaken by five women in their 40s and 50s, perhaps a little bit tipsy, and definitely unconcerned with me being a fly on the wall.

As I tweaked my website, engrossed in work and the smooth jazz sounds, my ears caught one of them, a petite and well-dressed woman say, to no one in particular, “I can’t lose weight. I’m so fat. And I hardly eat!” My therapists ears perked up as I heard the woman laboring over her food order. The other women dutifully sprung to attention, crowding around her offering their suggestions and input on how she might lose weight. They interrogated her about what she eats, how she knows how much she eats, and what she has tried to lose weight.

They shared about their philosophies on weight, and food, whether eating was enjoyable or not, and how to trick yourself into eating the “right” foods. Each of the woman had a solution without even questioning the assertion about why this was a focal point to begin with.

The woman shared how she hates food, and the general theme among the group became clear:

Food is unsafe. Food is the enemy. Let’s connect in this shared belief.

As I listened to the conversation, I started to think about how food, weight and weight issues can be such a wonderful connector for people, a low hanging fruit that most of us can relate to at one point or another in our lives. Culturally, we are connected in our shared struggle over never quite being thin enough or good enough when it comes to food and our bodies, because the media and our early messages from our families tell us so.

So as this group of women connected on this woman’s weight for almost an hour, I wondered to myself, “what would they be talking about if not for her weight and food? “

What’s beyond the food/body conversation?

In our conversations with others...

I wondered if there might be conversations about politics or books or ideas or dreams, of contribution or philosophy. How does talking about weight hamper our internal growth, our capacity to explore, and give, and blossom as humans in connection with other other awesome humans? Does it create intimacy or bypass a deeper connection?

Talking about goals, from career to relationship to body, certainly has its place, but as a society, we have become so fixated on our size and “good” vs “bad” food, to the point that it’s rare now for a group of women to go to a meal without someone commenting on what they should or shouldn’t be eating or mulling over their current body status. It’s not all disordered, but maybe a lot of it keeps us from our potential and creativity.

In our conversations with ourselves...

Under disordered relationships with food, there lie dormant or covered emotions, things we often don’t want to deal with. Weight often becomes THE THING, that if only we could solve it, get our eating under control and lose weight, THEN we could be happy. Before my own recovery from binge eating and bulimia 12 years ago, I thought about food relentlessly, obsessed and ashamed all at the same time. When I confronted the belief that all my life’s problems were because of food and rejected the idea that a certain weight would make me happy, I discovered that I had to have a conversation about the anxiety, sadness, and fear of rejection underneath.

With my clients struggling with emotional and binge eating or body image issues, the same things come up time and time again - food/body is the tip of the iceberg, and our obsessiveness and helplessness keeps us safely away from all the richness of our own humanity.

If you feel obsessive or in a state of constant worry or focus on food and your body, I understand. I used to think that there was really nothing else to talk about until I could get it all handled and lose weight.

Maybe it’s hard for YOU to imagine, as you white knuckle your way through the day only to binge eat at night...or start that diet for the 100th time, knowing you will lose weight, but also gain it back and then some.

The conversation CAN shift.

You can develop a healthy and balanced relationship with food & your body, to stop binge eating or eating your feelings.

If you are interested in exploring an alternative paradigm that might include tapping into what you're truly hungry for, and to find peace and ease in the area of food and body, reach out and let’s start a new conversation.

Email me at jess@jessimprota.com or give me a call to 310-422-8609.